Retail Therapy
by TangerineFields
Summary: Remus realises why shopping and Sirius don't mix. R/S


Disclaimer: looks like IKEA flatpack everything but Remus and Sirius :(

**Retail Therapy**

Shopping with Sirius was far too much like shopping with a small child. Not that Remus had ever been subjected to such an ordeal, but he imagined it would be broadly similar. The same whinging in queues, the same constant need to check whether Sirius had dropped something he thought they'd need into the trolley, the same infuriatingly irresistible puppy eyes when he wanted something and the tantrums when he didn't get it.

Today, he was unleashing Sirius Black on IKEA.

And that really was no one's idea of a good plan.

"But why?" Sirius moaned, as they crossed the threshold, and Remus swung the world's largest neon yellow bag on his shoulder.

"Because you've broken all the plates. And all of the glasses. We haven't got any mugs since you and James used them for Harry's finger paints and because…" Remus sighed and ran a hand violently through his hair. "And because I need some retail therapy. Alright?"

Sirius pouted, and flounced over to the stairs. God help him, they were already getting funny looks from the crowd of Muggles pushing through the automatic doors.

"Sirius!" Remus hissed as they fought their way up to the shop floor, Sirius prodding people occasionally with his wand. "Would you please behave?"

"That woman's staring at us." Sirius laughed. "Is that what it is?"

"What if I said yes?"

"I'd snog you, and then she'd stop."

Remus thwacked him.

* * *

It took them half an hour just to get to the restaurant. Sirius had insisted on bouncing on the soft sofas, and lounging sexily on the leather ones. He had hidden in a kitchen display and leapt out at a Muggle woman who had screamed and fainted and then hid behind Remus and giggled manically as the woman's henpecked husband tried to bring her round. By the time they reached the restaurant, Remus was seriously considering apparating.

Food thankfully calmed Sirius down, and he busied himself with making as much of a mess as was humanly possible with a sachet of vinegar and some salt. Remus watched as the pool grew around Sirius' chips and then groaned and dropped his head in his hands.

"Aww come on Remy," Sirius grinned at him and held out a sopping chip. "Cheer up, the foods nice."

Remus stared at him from under his salt and pepper shot fringe. "Remind me why I love you?"

Sirius chewed the inside of his cheek in mock thought. "Because I'm so frickin' fantastic in bed?"

Remus suddenly became very interested into his food. Sirius frowned, wondering what he'd said, and then noticed a Muggle woman with three small children was staring at him like he'd just murdered a puppy in front of her. Sirius winked seductively, and she blushed crimson.

"They're so touchy." He grinned, and then realised Remus was glaring at him. Again. "Oh come on, Moons, it was a laugh!"

Remus shook his head, and they ate the rest of the meal in silence. Sirius finished first, and began pushing his chips around inside his bowl.

"Look Moony!" He giggled, forgetting that Remus was ignoring him. "Chip sex!"

The Muggle woman was glaring again, and Sirius started to laugh.

"Sirius!" Remus kicked him under the table. "Shut up!"

"Make me," Sirius grinned. Remus just stared at him and then got up.

"I'll take the tray back." He said stiffly. "Clean your mess up."

Sirius looked glumly down at the vinegar lake on the table. It wasn't fair. If Remus had been a bird, he would have sworn it was his time of the bloody month.

While Sirius waited for Remus to return from the toilets, he hung over the stairs and glared at the Muggles. Stupid Muggles, making Remus expect him to behave. His hands smelt very strongly of vinegar, which bothered him, because Remy hated vinegar and so wasn't likely to kiss him if his breath smelt like his hands. Not that he was likely to get a snog today anyway.

Remus emerged from the toilets looking flustered. "Their hand driers are like putting your fingers into a jet engine," he grumbled.

Sirius didn't laugh. Instead he brushed his hair from his eyes and asked, "Why are we even here, Rem?"

"Because it's cheap." Remus sighed.

"But we don't need to be cheap." Sirius' brow furrowed. "I've told you I'll pay."

"You pay for everything."

"Moons, you know I don't mind." Sirius smiled at him, and went to draw him into a hug, but Remus resisted.

"Not here, Pads, please?"

Sirius groaned. "I don't know why you care so much."

"Because…" Remus shook his head. "Look, let me get this, please? I'll feel less like a spare part."

"Moony!" Sirius hurried after his friend, as he disappeared through the arch into the store room, brightly coloured lamps and soft toys ignored. "Remus!" Sirius grabbed his arm in front of the trolleys. "Don't ever say that again."

Remus wouldn't meet his eyes. "I feel like that."

"Merlin, Remus, I don't think I could even exist without you. I mean, I'd forget to eat…"

Remus looked at him, and smiled weakly. "Or sleep."

"Well," Sirius grinned at him. "It's not as if you let me get much of that."

Remus snorted, and Sirius realised with a jolt that he'd been forgiven. "I love you, Remus Lupin," he whispered, quiet for Remus' benefit rather than that of the Muggles wheeling away their trolleys.

Remus smiled, and dropped their unused bag in a trolley. "Just for that, you can push."

Sirius beamed.

* * *

"Right, mugs." Remus browsed the shelves while Sirius frowned at the miserable array.

"I dunno, Remy."

"What about this?" Remus held up a vomit tinged piece of china.

"Can't I just Scourgify the ones at home?"

Remus sighed, and put the offensive mug down. "If you want."

Sirius beamed, and turned the trolley round, nearly knocking the display over. He bit his lip, and did his best to look repentant, but Remus was already rolling his eyes.

"Come on, we need more plates." Remus sighed, and realised that letting Sirius have control of a large, cumbersome piece of stainless steel hadn't been his brightest idea.

The plates caused more moaning, as unfortunately just as Remus had placed his pack of practical white ones down in the trolley, Sirius spotted some that were infinity more exciting, not to mention more blue and shiny.

"Please Moons?" The puppy eyes had surfaced with a vengeance. "Please? Harry'd like them."

"They won't…" Remus paused, realising that this particular statement could land him in for some well deserved stick.

"What?" Sirius frowned. "They won't what?"

Remus hung his head. "They won't go."

"They won't go?" Sirius giggled. "Alright Daisy, I'll put them back. Can't have the kitchen's colour scheme compromised, can we?"

Remus coloured, but as Sirius put the garishly blue plates back with a smirk, he had to concede that at least it had achieved something.

* * *

"Gods, Moons, Muggles have no taste."

"And you laughed at me."

"No, seriously," Sirius appeared from behind a massive pile of cushions. "Look at this. It hurts my soul."

It was true, Remus had to agree, that an orange, green and brown plaited cushion cover hadn't been the Muggles greatest creation.

"You can only hope they were colour blind." Remus grinned at him. "But they'd look good with your plates."

Sirius hit him with the offending item. "I liked those plates," he huffed.

The light shades proved a fatal distraction and when Remus finally caught Sirius up, he found the animagus, staring, fascinated at the conveyer belt the Muggles had put in instead of an escalator. Remus swore that if Sirius had been Padfoot, he would have wet himself from excitement as they pushed the trolley onto the belt.

"Look!" Sirius gasped, "I can let go and it doesn't roll!"

Remus dropped his head onto Sirius' shoulder. "Hogwarts for seven years, and an escalator for trolleys amazes you. Remind me, please, Sirius Black, why I am your friend."

Sirius grinned at him. "Because I'm fantastic," he beamed. "Ooh, we're nearly at the end." He stopped, and looked suddenly terrified. "How do we get off it?"

"Push, you idiot," Remus knocked him lovingly. "Do you want me to do it for you?"

Sirius pouted. "I can do it just fine, thank you." And breaking into a run, he and the trolley shot off the end of the escalator.

* * *

By the time they reached the tills, the queues were quite a few people deep. Sirius groaned, and slumped over the trolley.

"I don't wanna queue," he sulked.

"Come on," Remus grabbed him, and slotted them into the line closest. "Look, we could get a dish cloth," he said, not sure how that particular idea would cheer Sirius up.

But Sirius had found something far more interesting. "What the hell is that?"

Remus picked up what looked to be a small bowl with a flat metal ring in it that looked like a child's drawing of a sun. "It's an apple slicer. You put the apple in and…er…push it down and…well it divides it up into pieces."

Sirius regarded it with a mixture of suspicion and awe. "It blows my mind," He muttered, "And I don't trust it."

Remus shook his head fondly, and for a while they stood in a gentle sort of silence.

"Remus," Sirius hissed suddenly. "That kid's called Sebastian!"

Remus stared at him. "What?"

"The Muggles, they've called their kid Sebastian!"

"I don't see that you can really comment on that, Sirius Orion Black."

Sirius chewed his lip. "But Sebastian, Remy. Sebastian!"

The child in question turned around and glared at him. Remus couldn't suppress a giggle.

Sirius glowered. "Well you can shut up as well," he huffed, and made a great show of slamming the glass wear down on the counter.

Thankfully, the glass wear survived Sirius' packing, and his attempts to jump on the trolley's handles and propel himself across the car park. By the time they got into James' battered Ford Cortina, Remus was exhausted.

"Well, that was fun." Sirius looked at him and beamed. "We should go shopping more often Moons."

Remus thought about all the looks, the almost disasters, the woman who had fainted and the trail of wreckage left by Sirius and the trolley's escape from the escalator and groaned. "No," he murmured, as he pulled Sirius into a kiss. "You are never coming shopping with me ever again."


End file.
